It wasn't supposed to be this way. Last year's cancer diagnosis was tough, but the surgery was likely curative and any follow up treatment (I opted for chemo) would finish the job if any cancer cells were still around. That's how it was supposed to work.
And I've spent the last year getting chest x-rays every 3 months, blood work more often then that, and I needed a follow up CT scan after a year. This month was the 1 year anniversary, and last week on June 14th, 2011, I had that follow up scan.
Unfortunately just after taking the exam the doctor called to tell me there was a tumor in my abdomen, exactly where you'd expect to see cancer come back if it was going to, and that I needed more tests and consults immediately.
We spent a miserable weekend worrying and telling friends and family that the cancer was likely back, but otherwise didn't know anything. Today we saw both the radiologist and oncologist, and it's sort of a good news/bad news situation.
Bad news: I do have cancer again.
Good news: It is treatable and the prognosis is again excellent.
I also, again, have treatment options. Radiation therapy or (a different) chemo. Last time chemo was my preference, it was just one (albeit large) dose of chemo that seemed to have less severe potential long term side effects. This time, however, radiation appeals the most. The chemo I would have to take would be much more potent, much more often. Almost daily for two months strait.
The radiation won't be fun either, but it is 3 weeks of daily radiation at a dose that's lower than most other cancers require.
I'm still digesting the news so I don't have much to add, but I expect to get through this just as I did before. Expect better (and more frequent) posts in the coming weeks.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Plenty of Other Fish in the Sea
This first note doesn't have anything to do with cancer, but I don't have any other place to relate this story. Today is the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. For the last three years my wife and I (and our dog) have come out to our beach condo in Ocean City, MD for the entire TG week. This year, to combat eating and drinking too much, we're trying to maintain our normal jogging routine for the first time over the holiday.
We've been pretty good. We came out Saturday afternoon. Sunday morning we jogged 4.5 miles on the beach. Monday morning we didn't jog but did get up early and let Bica off leash on the beach and went out for a few miles of wandering, frolicking. Today, Tuesday, we ran for about 5.5 miles. On the way back home, running south on the beach, I could see a fellow female jogger looking at a hulking mass lying in the waves 50 or so feet ahead. "Please don't be a beached fish" I thought to myself. As we approached, sure enough, it was a beached fish. I say hulking mass but this wasn't a whale or anything so dramatic. The other jogger thought it was a Rockfish. I don't know what kind it was, merely that it was the biggest fish I'd ever seen that close up. And it was still alive.
We stopped near the woman and I started taking off my jogging pants and jacket (I had on shorts and a long sleeve shirt under), shoes and socks. I had on convertible running mittens, like these, that are fingerless in one mode and mittens in the other. I had been running in the fingerless mode but converted them to mittens and walked over to the fish.
The sea was angry that day my friends (kidding).
I don't want to embellish the size of this (for lack of a better term) rockfish. In reality I think it was probably 30 lbs and maybe 3.5 feet long. Fisherman can tell me if that's a reasonable size or weight, or of those are even remotely close to reality. He was big, heavy, and looked like he was about to die.
The other jogger had tried a few times to drag him out to the ocean, but each time she got him in the waves he washed right back up. She didn't have any gloves and could only grab his tail. I tried her method once too, but it merely filled the fish's gills with sand and probably made his breathing even more labored.
Cold waves washed over my legs and hands, but it was otherwise unseasonably warm out and I was flushed from running. I tried picking the fish up and he was heavy and limp. Not wiggling or trying to escape my grasp. I waded out to the breakers, about waist high, and threw the fish as far out as I could (about 6 inches). The tide was going out, so getting past the breaking point did it.
He didn't swim away initially. In fact the three of us thought he was dead as we watched him float on top of the waves, lying on his side, unmoving. But the tide was pulling him the right way at least and he wouldn't wash back up. As I slowly took off the fishy gloves and put back on my pants and jacket, his tail started to move a little and he righted himself . By the time I had my shoes and socks back on he was swimming slowly. And soon he disappeared from sight, and we jogged away (before he could beach himself again).
So that was my good deed for the day. Maybe it makes up for the 3.5 lobster I ordered boiled alive for my dinner this past Saturday night?
As for medical updates, I had my first follow up on October 26th. We had come back from Portland, OR, on a redeye that morning. I was off from work that day already, so I'd scheduled the appointment knowing it would be a miserable day, but not wanting to take another off.
The appointment went fine. I gave blood and then had a chest x-ray. I have to have a chest x-ray every 4 months, blood work at every appointment, and a ct-scan once a year. In February of 2011 I have my next chest x-ray & blood work. In June of 2011 I'll have my ct-scan.
I assume the x-ray & blood looked good as I never heard from the doctor. His office will call if there is ever anything wrong. I have to believe I'll never have one of those calls.
We've been pretty good. We came out Saturday afternoon. Sunday morning we jogged 4.5 miles on the beach. Monday morning we didn't jog but did get up early and let Bica off leash on the beach and went out for a few miles of wandering, frolicking. Today, Tuesday, we ran for about 5.5 miles. On the way back home, running south on the beach, I could see a fellow female jogger looking at a hulking mass lying in the waves 50 or so feet ahead. "Please don't be a beached fish" I thought to myself. As we approached, sure enough, it was a beached fish. I say hulking mass but this wasn't a whale or anything so dramatic. The other jogger thought it was a Rockfish. I don't know what kind it was, merely that it was the biggest fish I'd ever seen that close up. And it was still alive.
We stopped near the woman and I started taking off my jogging pants and jacket (I had on shorts and a long sleeve shirt under), shoes and socks. I had on convertible running mittens, like these, that are fingerless in one mode and mittens in the other. I had been running in the fingerless mode but converted them to mittens and walked over to the fish.
The sea was angry that day my friends (kidding).
I don't want to embellish the size of this (for lack of a better term) rockfish. In reality I think it was probably 30 lbs and maybe 3.5 feet long. Fisherman can tell me if that's a reasonable size or weight, or of those are even remotely close to reality. He was big, heavy, and looked like he was about to die.
The other jogger had tried a few times to drag him out to the ocean, but each time she got him in the waves he washed right back up. She didn't have any gloves and could only grab his tail. I tried her method once too, but it merely filled the fish's gills with sand and probably made his breathing even more labored.
Cold waves washed over my legs and hands, but it was otherwise unseasonably warm out and I was flushed from running. I tried picking the fish up and he was heavy and limp. Not wiggling or trying to escape my grasp. I waded out to the breakers, about waist high, and threw the fish as far out as I could (about 6 inches). The tide was going out, so getting past the breaking point did it.
He didn't swim away initially. In fact the three of us thought he was dead as we watched him float on top of the waves, lying on his side, unmoving. But the tide was pulling him the right way at least and he wouldn't wash back up. As I slowly took off the fishy gloves and put back on my pants and jacket, his tail started to move a little and he righted himself . By the time I had my shoes and socks back on he was swimming slowly. And soon he disappeared from sight, and we jogged away (before he could beach himself again).
So that was my good deed for the day. Maybe it makes up for the 3.5 lobster I ordered boiled alive for my dinner this past Saturday night?
As for medical updates, I had my first follow up on October 26th. We had come back from Portland, OR, on a redeye that morning. I was off from work that day already, so I'd scheduled the appointment knowing it would be a miserable day, but not wanting to take another off.
The appointment went fine. I gave blood and then had a chest x-ray. I have to have a chest x-ray every 4 months, blood work at every appointment, and a ct-scan once a year. In February of 2011 I have my next chest x-ray & blood work. In June of 2011 I'll have my ct-scan.
I assume the x-ray & blood looked good as I never heard from the doctor. His office will call if there is ever anything wrong. I have to believe I'll never have one of those calls.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
In my last update I forgot to mention my hair. To start, I didn't lose it from the one super-dose chemo I had to take, maybe it thinned out a little, but nothing crazy or noticeable at all. I had let my hair go, no haircuts, for months. Six at least, maybe 8 months. My hair was longish even before I stopped getting haircuts, so by the time our summer vacation rolled around my hair was as long as it had been since college.
So when we got out to Ocean City, MD for our vacation, one of the very first things I did was have Julie cut my hair. It was long enough to meet the minimum donation length for one of those "we give sick kids wigs" charities, and I wanted to see if my hair could do some good. Since I was at the minimum donation length, they might just sell mine off and not actually use it for sick kids, but whatever, it was something I wanted to do.
Julie had never cut my hair before, but after putting it up in several pony/pig-tails (6 or so) she chopped them off leaving me with about 3 inches of hair on my head. Of course it was all uneven, so she spent a while cleaning it up and except for one spot that was cut significantly shorter than the rest (one of the pony tail spots) she did a good job. Two weeks at the beach with a significantly lighter head was nice.
In fact since then I've kept my hair reasonably short, and Julie's been the one doing all the cutting.
Two more brief items:
1. Cold is still here, although just a soar throat and minor head congestion at this point. I've already been to the doctors twice for this, but seeing as how this is week 3 of a cold I'm going to go to an urgent care today, assuming they're open on Columbus day.
2. I ran my first post-cancer race on Saturday. Not really a race so much as an obstacle course. The Warrior Dash (Mid-Atlantic) http://www.warriordash.com/register2010_mid-atlantic.php. It was a tough race to run, but I think only b/c I had not run in two weeks and I was still a little sick. My lungs and legs were not up to race, which was just a 5K with some easy and some tougher obstacles. We were super muddy by the end, but had a good time.
That's all I've got for now.
So when we got out to Ocean City, MD for our vacation, one of the very first things I did was have Julie cut my hair. It was long enough to meet the minimum donation length for one of those "we give sick kids wigs" charities, and I wanted to see if my hair could do some good. Since I was at the minimum donation length, they might just sell mine off and not actually use it for sick kids, but whatever, it was something I wanted to do.
Julie had never cut my hair before, but after putting it up in several pony/pig-tails (6 or so) she chopped them off leaving me with about 3 inches of hair on my head. Of course it was all uneven, so she spent a while cleaning it up and except for one spot that was cut significantly shorter than the rest (one of the pony tail spots) she did a good job. Two weeks at the beach with a significantly lighter head was nice.
In fact since then I've kept my hair reasonably short, and Julie's been the one doing all the cutting.
Two more brief items:
1. Cold is still here, although just a soar throat and minor head congestion at this point. I've already been to the doctors twice for this, but seeing as how this is week 3 of a cold I'm going to go to an urgent care today, assuming they're open on Columbus day.
2. I ran my first post-cancer race on Saturday. Not really a race so much as an obstacle course. The Warrior Dash (Mid-Atlantic) http://www.warriordash.com/register2010_mid-atlantic.php. It was a tough race to run, but I think only b/c I had not run in two weeks and I was still a little sick. My lungs and legs were not up to race, which was just a 5K with some easy and some tougher obstacles. We were super muddy by the end, but had a good time.
That's all I've got for now.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Time Off For Good Behavior
Been a long time since I last posted, which is mostly due to nothing new to add to the cancer updates. But I thought it might help to put down some of what has happened in the last few months, and what will happen over the next few, in case I ever want to look back on this.
Late in August Julie & I finally got to take our summer vacation. Two weeks at our condo in Ocean City, MD,with our dog. It was a great time, sunny and hot almost the entire time. We drank a lot of beer in the sun on our West (bay) facing balcony, watching people in the park and boats on the water. We ate crabs, taco pizza (Julie's favorite), ate donuts (Fractured Prune, my favorite), took horseback riding lessons one day, laid by ocean everyday.
I bought a couple of kites, a regular one and then a stunt kite which uses two kite strings and allows you much greater control which you can use to make the kite do fun tricks. It took me a few days to get the hang of it, but once I did I really enjoyed it. By the second week of our vacation the winds were fairly consistent, and I was able to spend hours (really, hours) in northside park with my wife and dog, performing stunts with the kite. Julie even managed to fly it a few times really well.
But all good things must come to an end, and eventually our vacation ended. It was hard coming back to work after that much time off. But both Julie & feel back into our daily routine of eating better and not drinking (weekdays), running 5 or so miles a day, and spending some weekends at the beach.
Now jogging has caused me some problems. I assume that the chemo is to blame for this, but my legs/body do not recover from the runs like they used to. It used to be that after running 5 or 6 miles a day four days in a row, I'd be tired but could still do well on Friday before taking weekend off. Now I find I can only run 4.5 to 5.5 miles a day, and that by Wednesday my legs and body are already exhausted. When Friday rolls around I am barely able to run, my body is just too tired. But come Monday my legs feel fresh as ever. I want to believe this is temporary and that eventually I'll get back to my earlier stamina, but even if this is my new running reality it's not that bad. In some ways it is nicer than before, as now I also can't run very fast so I'm now only a little faster than Julie. So now we run and talk more, whereas before we ran and I yelled (coach Tony) at Julie to run faster, harder, etc.
I'd also been pushing myself harder in push-ups and pull-ups/chin-ups in the evenings. 3-4 days a week I would come home from work and walk Bica as normal, but then I would spend 20-30 minutes on push-ups and pull/chin-ups. I used to do those exercises in the morning after running, but switching to the evenings was a much better way to do it. I was stronger in the evenings, and it curbed my appetite (always hungry when I first get home) and enabled me to wait for dinner until Julie came home.
But all of that has been on hold for more than a week. Last weekend Julie & I went to NYC, me for a long weekend with Julie staying longer for a conference. We had a great time in the city but on Monday morning I woke up feeling rough. I had an 8 am train back to DC so I said my goodbyes to my wife and walked to Penn Station. It was a really nasty day, but the train wasn't crowded and I had a good book to keep me occupied. But as the train rolled south I kept feeling worse and worse. I'm pretty sure I had a fever and defintely had chills. I still had to pick Bica up from her daycare so instead of walking her home so I reserved a zipcar while on the train. When I got to DC I took the metro home feeling worse and worse. I put on warmer, more comfortable clothes, took some tylenol, and then grabbed the zipcar and drove up to get Bica. She was crazy excited to see me, and I her, but I was more and more out of it. I got her home and she was exhausted from daycare so we both laid on the couch and snoozed for a few hours.
When I woke up it was around 4 pm. I was shivering and felt horrible. I took Bica for a walk, came back and heated up soup, and slept for another hour. By 6 I took Bica out again (for her last walk of the day, I'm ashamed to say), took Nyquil, and slept until 1 am. At 1 I got up and ate some soup, drank some juice, and emailed my office to say I wasn't going to be in on Tuesday.
I didn't make it to work for the rest of the week. The Nyquil helped me sleep, but I was almost delirious, and each time I woke up I was drenched in sweat. I'm not kidding, I was soaking wet. So much so that when I would wake up not only would I be soaked, but so would the sheets and the bed. I'm used to sore throats that after a day or so turn into head colds, that a day or two later are gone. This one did turn into a head and chest cold, but the sore throat never left. In fact it still hasn't, I still don't feel good. But I do feel better, and there is no way I'm staying home from work again this week.
I did go to a dr, who thought it was just a tough cold but still gave me a z-pack. I always thought it was a virus and not bacterial, as the z-pack hasn't done anything yet I suspect that's the case. Wednesday night Julie came back from NYC to take care of me and she was great, but of course she now has the cold so I'm taking care of her. We went to Ocean City this weekend on Friday and made our homemade chicken noodle soup. We ate that Friday and Saturday. Took Bica to the beach on Saturday, it was a very pretty day and we all had a great time, even with the colds. We just slept on the beach for hours, but it was great.
Came back earlier this morning and made another batch of chicken noodle. Julie's sleeping the day (and I hope her cold) away, I'm here taking care of her and the dog. What I don't know is if my cold was so severe because of cancer/chemo (just like my legs don't recover from running as quickly as before), of if this was just a particularly nasty cold. Is my immune system just in bad shape right now? Will I now have to deal with more severe colds for the foreseeable future?
In my last update I talked about the inflamed vein in my groin/lower stomach called phlebitis. I can still feel the vein, although it no longer hurts (I've also not been touching it). I will have to make an appointment to have that looked at again, as the doctor thought it should already have gone away by now.
At the end of this month I will also have to go back to the doctor to begin my follow up cancer treatment. This will involve getting regular tests to see if my cancer shows signs of coming back. While I want to believe the cancer is gone forever and there will be no further treatments needed, each test will certainly be stressful.
I'll write again when the tests are scheduled or have happened.
Late in August Julie & I finally got to take our summer vacation. Two weeks at our condo in Ocean City, MD,with our dog. It was a great time, sunny and hot almost the entire time. We drank a lot of beer in the sun on our West (bay) facing balcony, watching people in the park and boats on the water. We ate crabs, taco pizza (Julie's favorite), ate donuts (Fractured Prune, my favorite), took horseback riding lessons one day, laid by ocean everyday.
I bought a couple of kites, a regular one and then a stunt kite which uses two kite strings and allows you much greater control which you can use to make the kite do fun tricks. It took me a few days to get the hang of it, but once I did I really enjoyed it. By the second week of our vacation the winds were fairly consistent, and I was able to spend hours (really, hours) in northside park with my wife and dog, performing stunts with the kite. Julie even managed to fly it a few times really well.
But all good things must come to an end, and eventually our vacation ended. It was hard coming back to work after that much time off. But both Julie & feel back into our daily routine of eating better and not drinking (weekdays), running 5 or so miles a day, and spending some weekends at the beach.
Now jogging has caused me some problems. I assume that the chemo is to blame for this, but my legs/body do not recover from the runs like they used to. It used to be that after running 5 or 6 miles a day four days in a row, I'd be tired but could still do well on Friday before taking weekend off. Now I find I can only run 4.5 to 5.5 miles a day, and that by Wednesday my legs and body are already exhausted. When Friday rolls around I am barely able to run, my body is just too tired. But come Monday my legs feel fresh as ever. I want to believe this is temporary and that eventually I'll get back to my earlier stamina, but even if this is my new running reality it's not that bad. In some ways it is nicer than before, as now I also can't run very fast so I'm now only a little faster than Julie. So now we run and talk more, whereas before we ran and I yelled (coach Tony) at Julie to run faster, harder, etc.
I'd also been pushing myself harder in push-ups and pull-ups/chin-ups in the evenings. 3-4 days a week I would come home from work and walk Bica as normal, but then I would spend 20-30 minutes on push-ups and pull/chin-ups. I used to do those exercises in the morning after running, but switching to the evenings was a much better way to do it. I was stronger in the evenings, and it curbed my appetite (always hungry when I first get home) and enabled me to wait for dinner until Julie came home.
But all of that has been on hold for more than a week. Last weekend Julie & I went to NYC, me for a long weekend with Julie staying longer for a conference. We had a great time in the city but on Monday morning I woke up feeling rough. I had an 8 am train back to DC so I said my goodbyes to my wife and walked to Penn Station. It was a really nasty day, but the train wasn't crowded and I had a good book to keep me occupied. But as the train rolled south I kept feeling worse and worse. I'm pretty sure I had a fever and defintely had chills. I still had to pick Bica up from her daycare so instead of walking her home so I reserved a zipcar while on the train. When I got to DC I took the metro home feeling worse and worse. I put on warmer, more comfortable clothes, took some tylenol, and then grabbed the zipcar and drove up to get Bica. She was crazy excited to see me, and I her, but I was more and more out of it. I got her home and she was exhausted from daycare so we both laid on the couch and snoozed for a few hours.
When I woke up it was around 4 pm. I was shivering and felt horrible. I took Bica for a walk, came back and heated up soup, and slept for another hour. By 6 I took Bica out again (for her last walk of the day, I'm ashamed to say), took Nyquil, and slept until 1 am. At 1 I got up and ate some soup, drank some juice, and emailed my office to say I wasn't going to be in on Tuesday.
I didn't make it to work for the rest of the week. The Nyquil helped me sleep, but I was almost delirious, and each time I woke up I was drenched in sweat. I'm not kidding, I was soaking wet. So much so that when I would wake up not only would I be soaked, but so would the sheets and the bed. I'm used to sore throats that after a day or so turn into head colds, that a day or two later are gone. This one did turn into a head and chest cold, but the sore throat never left. In fact it still hasn't, I still don't feel good. But I do feel better, and there is no way I'm staying home from work again this week.
I did go to a dr, who thought it was just a tough cold but still gave me a z-pack. I always thought it was a virus and not bacterial, as the z-pack hasn't done anything yet I suspect that's the case. Wednesday night Julie came back from NYC to take care of me and she was great, but of course she now has the cold so I'm taking care of her. We went to Ocean City this weekend on Friday and made our homemade chicken noodle soup. We ate that Friday and Saturday. Took Bica to the beach on Saturday, it was a very pretty day and we all had a great time, even with the colds. We just slept on the beach for hours, but it was great.
Came back earlier this morning and made another batch of chicken noodle. Julie's sleeping the day (and I hope her cold) away, I'm here taking care of her and the dog. What I don't know is if my cold was so severe because of cancer/chemo (just like my legs don't recover from running as quickly as before), of if this was just a particularly nasty cold. Is my immune system just in bad shape right now? Will I now have to deal with more severe colds for the foreseeable future?
In my last update I talked about the inflamed vein in my groin/lower stomach called phlebitis. I can still feel the vein, although it no longer hurts (I've also not been touching it). I will have to make an appointment to have that looked at again, as the doctor thought it should already have gone away by now.
At the end of this month I will also have to go back to the doctor to begin my follow up cancer treatment. This will involve getting regular tests to see if my cancer shows signs of coming back. While I want to believe the cancer is gone forever and there will be no further treatments needed, each test will certainly be stressful.
I'll write again when the tests are scheduled or have happened.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Inflamed in the Membrane, Inflamed in the Vein
Since about the time of the chemo I've had this pain, really a tenderness to the touch, on the lower left of abdomen. This pain kept me from really basking the glow of the good news from my last update. I brought it up with the doctor that Friday (the day I got the all clear) and he felt around the area, but couldn't feel anything and assumed (I think) that it was gas/stool pain.
But I could feel something. Not just the tenderness, but something under the skin, close to the surface. About 4 inches long, and very narrow. It only hurt to the touch, otherwise I had no issues. Exercising, going to work, etc. No problems at all.
I made an appt with my GP b/c it didn't seem to be getting any better (or any worse) and went to that appt on Thursday. He could feel it as soon as he touched the spot, but immediately tried to put my fears to rest by saying he didn't think it was anything serious, and certainly not cancer. Cancer, of course, was my fear. The abdomen is one of the primary spaces my cancer would return to if it were going to return. I shot Julie an email to tell her what was going on, she wanted to come by but I told her just to wait at her office as it was probably nothing.
But he also didn't know what it was, and sent me to a radiologist on another floor in his building for an ultrasound. Up I went, the technician felt the spot then began the ultrasound exam. About 5 minutes into the exam the tech turn to me and says "I need to get the radiologist."
Uh-ho. I email Julie "you better come down here just in case."
The radiologist shows up with the tech, and he begins to ultrasound the spot. They're talking to each other, as if I'm not in the room/can't hear them: "I've never seen anything like this before," was stated more than once. They bickered back & forth about which image on the screen was the thing you could feel in my abdomen, finally settling on where it was and that blood was flowing through it.
I don't mean to leave you all in suspense, as far as they can tell it is not serious and I'm not in any trouble. The best guess is that it is phlebitis, which is an inflammation of a blood vessel/vein. It can be serious (blood clot) and require medication, but there was no evidence of a clot and by all accounts I have nothing to worry about. Tylenol and heat were the recommendations to treat it, the expectation is that it will go away after a month or so. If it doesn't I have to head back to the dr.
For a few days this week I was also experiencing a shortness of breath, what I imagine mild asthma must feel like. That cleared up after two days, and the dr also listened to my lungs to make sure there wasn't any problem.
Having had cancer all these little aches and pains which I would have self medicated with Tylenol and rest are now much harder to ignore. I don't want to go to the dr for every bump and bruise, but now I'm more aware and worried about these things.
I've also noticed that since the chemo a few weeks ago I sweat a lot more now. I've never been one to sweat much, no matter how much I ran or exercised, it was always with minimal sweat. But now I sweat all of the time. I have to admit, as disgusting a feeling as it is, this is one change I don't mind. I've always felt my lack of sweating was a negative, I felt less manly when others would be drenched in sweat exercising, and I could run 6 miles with just my brow being damp. Well no more, my pours spout liquid like I'm a sprinkler. The only negative is I used to be able to wear the same shirt several days in a row to the office (I wear an undershirt always, so the dress shirt remained odor free) but not any more. I have to get them cleaned after each wear.
Our summer vacation is just around the corner. By the time we get out to our condo in Ocean City it will have been 13 weeks since we last saw it, 10 of those weeks occupied by weekly renters. I know it will look beat up when we first arrive, but I can't wait. Owning a beach condo is something I'd always dreamed about, and worked hard to achieve. It seems that some people really think they want something, only to find disappointment when they achieve their dreams (the phrase "be careful what you wish for" springs to mind). Since I can remember, I always knew I wanted to be with someone I loved, and who also loved me; I wanted a dog; I wanted a beach condo; I wanted to live in a high rise condo in a city.
Well I've got all those things now, and at a reasonably young age (although I feel a lot older after testicular cancer), and I can tell you there is no disappointment here. I can't believe it's all here now, all mine. Once I landed in DC I stoped screwing around as much with my life. I worked hard a job that rewarded hard work. I paid great sums of money each month to credit card companies to pay down thousands of dollars in debt that I had built up in college. I still did stupid things now and then (still do), but I really wanted to find the person to share my life with, and I finally did.
But what really put me on the track to the happiness and total satisfaction I've had for the last decade was meeting and falling in love with Julie. All the rest of it can come and go, the condo(s), the lifestyle, the dogs (well, maybe not the dogs). I know how corny it sounds, but it is true. Once Julie & I met things just clicked, once our relationship was cemented in mutual love and trust, the other good things came so much easier, and the bad stuff was easier to get past.
I don't know how to end this post, it turned into something I didn't expect. I've just been so incredibly happy these last 8 years, a kind of happiness that's deep down, a satisfaction with life. I've had a few people say, after hearing about my cancer diagnosis: "I bet this was a real wake up call, huh?"
I tell them honestly no. It wasn't a wake up call. I didn't need a wake up call. Julie & I tell each other every day, usually several times a day, that we love each other. We buy each other little gifts all the time for no reason, except we're thinking about each other. We talk all the time about how great it is to have a dog like Bica, to live in the heart of downtown DC, to have a condo in Ocean City. To run among the monuments on the Mall each morning. We hold hands when we walk the streets, we kiss when someone goes to take our photo.
Well I've got to end this post eventually, so here goes: These years with Julie have been the happiest of my life.
But I could feel something. Not just the tenderness, but something under the skin, close to the surface. About 4 inches long, and very narrow. It only hurt to the touch, otherwise I had no issues. Exercising, going to work, etc. No problems at all.
I made an appt with my GP b/c it didn't seem to be getting any better (or any worse) and went to that appt on Thursday. He could feel it as soon as he touched the spot, but immediately tried to put my fears to rest by saying he didn't think it was anything serious, and certainly not cancer. Cancer, of course, was my fear. The abdomen is one of the primary spaces my cancer would return to if it were going to return. I shot Julie an email to tell her what was going on, she wanted to come by but I told her just to wait at her office as it was probably nothing.
But he also didn't know what it was, and sent me to a radiologist on another floor in his building for an ultrasound. Up I went, the technician felt the spot then began the ultrasound exam. About 5 minutes into the exam the tech turn to me and says "I need to get the radiologist."
Uh-ho. I email Julie "you better come down here just in case."
The radiologist shows up with the tech, and he begins to ultrasound the spot. They're talking to each other, as if I'm not in the room/can't hear them: "I've never seen anything like this before," was stated more than once. They bickered back & forth about which image on the screen was the thing you could feel in my abdomen, finally settling on where it was and that blood was flowing through it.
I don't mean to leave you all in suspense, as far as they can tell it is not serious and I'm not in any trouble. The best guess is that it is phlebitis, which is an inflammation of a blood vessel/vein. It can be serious (blood clot) and require medication, but there was no evidence of a clot and by all accounts I have nothing to worry about. Tylenol and heat were the recommendations to treat it, the expectation is that it will go away after a month or so. If it doesn't I have to head back to the dr.
For a few days this week I was also experiencing a shortness of breath, what I imagine mild asthma must feel like. That cleared up after two days, and the dr also listened to my lungs to make sure there wasn't any problem.
Having had cancer all these little aches and pains which I would have self medicated with Tylenol and rest are now much harder to ignore. I don't want to go to the dr for every bump and bruise, but now I'm more aware and worried about these things.
I've also noticed that since the chemo a few weeks ago I sweat a lot more now. I've never been one to sweat much, no matter how much I ran or exercised, it was always with minimal sweat. But now I sweat all of the time. I have to admit, as disgusting a feeling as it is, this is one change I don't mind. I've always felt my lack of sweating was a negative, I felt less manly when others would be drenched in sweat exercising, and I could run 6 miles with just my brow being damp. Well no more, my pours spout liquid like I'm a sprinkler. The only negative is I used to be able to wear the same shirt several days in a row to the office (I wear an undershirt always, so the dress shirt remained odor free) but not any more. I have to get them cleaned after each wear.
Our summer vacation is just around the corner. By the time we get out to our condo in Ocean City it will have been 13 weeks since we last saw it, 10 of those weeks occupied by weekly renters. I know it will look beat up when we first arrive, but I can't wait. Owning a beach condo is something I'd always dreamed about, and worked hard to achieve. It seems that some people really think they want something, only to find disappointment when they achieve their dreams (the phrase "be careful what you wish for" springs to mind). Since I can remember, I always knew I wanted to be with someone I loved, and who also loved me; I wanted a dog; I wanted a beach condo; I wanted to live in a high rise condo in a city.
Well I've got all those things now, and at a reasonably young age (although I feel a lot older after testicular cancer), and I can tell you there is no disappointment here. I can't believe it's all here now, all mine. Once I landed in DC I stoped screwing around as much with my life. I worked hard a job that rewarded hard work. I paid great sums of money each month to credit card companies to pay down thousands of dollars in debt that I had built up in college. I still did stupid things now and then (still do), but I really wanted to find the person to share my life with, and I finally did.
But what really put me on the track to the happiness and total satisfaction I've had for the last decade was meeting and falling in love with Julie. All the rest of it can come and go, the condo(s), the lifestyle, the dogs (well, maybe not the dogs). I know how corny it sounds, but it is true. Once Julie & I met things just clicked, once our relationship was cemented in mutual love and trust, the other good things came so much easier, and the bad stuff was easier to get past.
I don't know how to end this post, it turned into something I didn't expect. I've just been so incredibly happy these last 8 years, a kind of happiness that's deep down, a satisfaction with life. I've had a few people say, after hearing about my cancer diagnosis: "I bet this was a real wake up call, huh?"
I tell them honestly no. It wasn't a wake up call. I didn't need a wake up call. Julie & I tell each other every day, usually several times a day, that we love each other. We buy each other little gifts all the time for no reason, except we're thinking about each other. We talk all the time about how great it is to have a dog like Bica, to live in the heart of downtown DC, to have a condo in Ocean City. To run among the monuments on the Mall each morning. We hold hands when we walk the streets, we kiss when someone goes to take our photo.
Well I've got to end this post eventually, so here goes: These years with Julie have been the happiest of my life.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Update 7/31/10 Got The All Clear
Had my follow up appointment with the doctor yesterday (Friday). Tests on the blood I'd had drawn a few days earlier came back showing perfect results. No blood count problems, no cancer markers, everything looked perfect.
I've been back at work all week too, and went for a run everything morning. Monday through Wednesday mornings my runs were short, 2 to 2.5 miles. Thursday & Friday I added another mile or so to the distance and also did more push ups, pull ups, and stretches.
I only worked until 2 pm on Monday, but then worked normal hours for the rest of the week. After getting the good news from the doctor yesterday, Julie & I went out for a fun dinner in the city, had a great time.
Unless I start to feel poorly, I don't go back to the doctor for another three months. At that point I start the follow up observations (CT scans/blood work) that will happen 1-2 times a year for the next several years.
I'm not sure if this is the last post for a while or not. I'm tired of writing about cancer though, so I'll probably be taking a break for a while.
I've been back at work all week too, and went for a run everything morning. Monday through Wednesday mornings my runs were short, 2 to 2.5 miles. Thursday & Friday I added another mile or so to the distance and also did more push ups, pull ups, and stretches.
I only worked until 2 pm on Monday, but then worked normal hours for the rest of the week. After getting the good news from the doctor yesterday, Julie & I went out for a fun dinner in the city, had a great time.
Unless I start to feel poorly, I don't go back to the doctor for another three months. At that point I start the follow up observations (CT scans/blood work) that will happen 1-2 times a year for the next several years.
I'm not sure if this is the last post for a while or not. I'm tired of writing about cancer though, so I'll probably be taking a break for a while.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Update 7/27/2010 FU Cancer, FU
My of favorite lines from the movie the Odd Couple is from one of the first big blow ups Walter Matthau (Oscar Madison) has with Jack Lemmon (Felix Unger), in a movie full of his blow ups. I could cheat and get the exact wording from the internet, but I'll give you my falty memory of it instead:
The point I'm belaboring is that the cussing I want to do is pride. And I know pride isn't something you're supposed to feel (uh, be proud of?) but I do feel bad-ass about some of this. My pride thoughts are cleaned up below, but these are the ones that cause me to stick out my chest and say FU to cancer.
Oscar: "I can't take all your little notes Felix. Every morning there is a note saying 'we need milk, FU' or 'dinner at 7:15 tonight, FU'. It took me three days to figure out FU was Felix Unger!"In trying to keep this a family friendly blog I'm not cussing. But sometimes I feel like it, although not necessarily for the reasons you might think. I'm not sitting around thinking "poor me," or angry that this happened to me when things are otherwise going so well in my life. Like a lot of people I thought if I had to face a disease like this, it would be much later in life, but I haven't had a bad attitude yet.
The point I'm belaboring is that the cussing I want to do is pride. And I know pride isn't something you're supposed to feel (uh, be proud of?) but I do feel bad-ass about some of this. My pride thoughts are cleaned up below, but these are the ones that cause me to stick out my chest and say FU to cancer.
- I had my left testicle cut out of my body at 4 pm on 6/15/10 and I walked myself out of that hospital 4 hours later. I didn't get wheeled out in a chair, I told them I wanted to walk.
- 2 days after surgery to have my damn testicle removed, I stopped taking prescription pain pills and switched to tylenol.
- 6 days after surgery, I got on an exercise bike for 30 minutes, then went on to work a full day.
- 7 days after surgery, I went outside for a jog with my wife and dog, then went to work a full day.
- The day after I had chemo I went out for a jog with my dog (granted, I was still feeling a steroid high)
- 5 days after chemo, I went for a jog with my wife and dog, and then went to work. Hell I was back to "coach tony" mode yelling at Julie for running to slow behind me (I later apologized).
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